Today’s Secret Regret

“I regret the times I was a monster, a bully, a manipulator. I regret believing so often, that the situation was at fault, not me. I regret that my sons have to live with the consequences of my being a great mom one day, and a monster the next, an equation that equals: bad mother. I regret not being able to find a way to destroy the monster in me. I regret clinging to my regret. I regret not being able to find the courage to tell people who like me now, just how bad a monster I was. I regret living this current life, this lie, where I can’t tell my story because it’s not just my story, but for still wanting to, planning to, writing in secret, selfishly, for the slim hope explaining things from my perspective offers of my own redemption. I regret that my motives are still those of the monster, still selfish. I regret wanting relief from hating myself, when I don’t deserve it. I regret wanting redemption, no matter the seriousness crime, in the form of a close relationship with my sons. For wanting everyone to get over it so I can. I regret, seriously regret the things I did that resulted in my doing a life sentence away from them. They are right to distance themselves from me. I regret not really meaning what I just wrote. The truth is, deep down, the monster believes she has been tried unfairly, circumstantially, and has not been given a chance to point to the situation as the real culprit that destroyed our bonds. I hate that by saying that I’m making excuses. I regret not changing, not really, not deep down where the monster lives.” (woman, 59)

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