My biggest regret is choosing her over you. I think of you daily, miss you daily. Financial security is way over-rated. I have stability, but I lack love, and the loneliness I experience and the longing for you make each day worse than the one before it.
I regret not fighting back. I regret not telling people what happened to me at home, work and at school. I regret not admitting to being raped. I regret not standing up for myself: I regret that I allowed traumatic experiences to comatose me into a silence that I never deserved. I regret blaming myself and taking all of this pain out on my precious body. My pain, that I kept secret, was one I thought people couldn’t see or that they wouldn’t have to know about. I thought the pains I had withstood were best to be suppressed. I didn’t want to be a bother, but I regret that I was further ridiculed for being quiet. I regret letting strangers convince me of what was best for me, only for many of their decisions to bring me even further harm. I regret being a victim. I regret that this is my past. It was a role that enabled many harmful people into my life to use and accept me as a condition to my being weak and abused. I regret that not enough people did anything about it. I had learned that a victim was who I was and all I was ever expected to be. I would get no support in trying to prove otherwise. I regret any circumstance that caused me to suffer unnecessarily. I regret that I had to go through all of this in order to tell everyone that they had been wrong about me. I didn’t think I needed to say any of this out loud or else I’d have said it years ago. I regret that because of all of this silent agony, that I have lost most everyone I have ever known or cared for. I do not regret that I can see things clearer now, today, this evening. I realize that the last part, the letting go, was necessary for me to ever have a shot at happiness in what I have left of this life.
I regret the 13 years that I shared with you. I should have left you alone from day one. But, I had no way of knowing in advance that things would turn out this way. You’ve been the source of my misery for years. I can’t stand the thought of you now. I spent the morning deleting every trace of you from my phone. I’m telling myself that you no longer exist. I wish that I could do the same with my heart and mind. I hate you and all that you represent in this world. I never want to hear from or see you again. I regret knowing you.
You were my dream guy. The one that’s only supposed to exist in fairytales.
But I didn’t feel I deserved you. How could someone as perfect as you ever be interested in someone like me. And when you showed me any sign that you were I pulled away. I was terrified and I honestly can’t even put into words why that was exactly. I just kept doubting it. And even when people around us would point it out I dismissed it. I guess I just couldn’t believe anything so perfect would ever come my way. Many times I tried. I had the discussion in my head over and over. I was just too afraid of losing you all together. I told myself I’d rather have us as we were than not have us at all. I told myself that even if it went well and made me the absolute happiest person in the world the chance of that conversation going bad wouldn’t be worth the risk. I didn’t want to lose you all because I had to go and make it complicated. I told myself I was just as happy having us as we were for now and that one day I would get the nerve to say the words outloud to you.
And then a year into it I lost you forever anyways. Not because of something I said. But because I handed you the keys to my car because you wanted to drive us around aimlessly talking and listening to music like we always did and you swerved into the other lane and hit an oncoming car head on and died.
I wish more than anything that I knew that my “one day” would never come. I wish all those conversations you started I hadn’t quickly put an end to. I wish I didn’t immediately panic when you started to hypothetically ask what would happen if this became more than the occasional random kiss or hookup. I wish I hadn’t made an excuse to leave before you even got to finish your sentence.
On the ride in the ambulance I guess deep down I knew you were gone but I wouldn’t let myself believe it until the police told me in the hospital. And I instantly regreted not kissing you one last time and telling you how much you meant to me, how much “we” meant to me before they pulled me away from you.
I regret letting myself get so caught up in the “What if’s” from not telling you how I felt and the overall depression from you being taken I ended up not only losing you but I lost myself. I felt cheated. The world and everything in it became less colorful, the pure happiness I once felt from being with you and all the memories we made I would never experience again.
I regret that the only thing that came close to filling the void you left inside of me was drugs. When I would start to feel the tightness in my chest from missing you or the burning in my stomach from from missing my chances to tell you I would reach for my only comfort. And before I knew it you wern’t the only thing I was trying to block out. I no longer wanted to feel anything.
I regret that it took me 6 years and getting arrested for the first time in my life to realize I dealt with this all wrong. I knew the person I had become wasn’t anyone you would ever want to be around, and even thou I had doubts before I knew for a fact that this new person wasn’t at all deserving of someone like you. And ironically that just made me want to use more.
And most of all I regret getting out of jail and rehab only to return to my comfort zone. For some reason I feel like I can’t handle life without it. After all it was the only thing there for me after you went away that made me feel somewhat whole again.
So now I sit again with this weight on my chest because I know that I no longer have a choice. If I want to stay out of jail I have to quit for good. I know that for the first time I’ll have to really deal with the loss of you sober and that scares me more than anything.
From the age of 19 to 26 I never really learned coping skills of any kind. While I was trying to push thoughts of you out I learned that any problem big or small could be resolved by numbing them with the drug.
So now I have to start all over and when I’m a little further down this hard road I hope that I will make you proud. And even thou I’ll never get to tell you everything and I’ll never really know how you truly felt what I do know for sure is that the one thing that started all of this. The one thing I was so afraid to lose, our bond that was like no other. I know I’ll have that forever now because you’re always with me and weather you know it or not I’ll always love you.
I regret not doing the things at the right time, Not following my dreams, Not being a good friend, Not doing things that i want, Not studying, Not giving a chance, Not trying, Not trusting, Not believing, Not telling the truth , Not singing, Not writing and lastly not being me. I always try to start new, but something pulls me back each time I try. I feel like I’m walking on the path that leads nowhere. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.
I regret leaving my husband of 25 yrs. I regret not trying as hard as I should have to make things better. I wanted to feel the passion, as I had once had earlier in our marriage. I know now, that things change over the years. Children came along and that became our focus. We ‘lost sight’ of each other during this period. Finally, the children became more independent but by then we’d lost the connection. I didn’t think it was possible to get it back. I wanted to feel loved and desired! I gave up and left a very good man. I broke his heart and I broke apart my family and for that, I am deeply remorseful. It’s been so long that I can’t say I am in love with him any longer but I do still love him and hope that he has a happy life. I wish that I could tell him that and I wish that I could thank him for all the good years that we had together. I wish I could tell him how wrong I was in leaving him. I wish I could turn the clocks back. I wish I knew then, what I know now!
I regret not being kinder to my siblings. Especially my sister. I said and did some very cruel things to my little sister. Today, she has horrible self esteem issues now and I can’t help but wonder how much of that was me. I feel especially guilty because I was dad’s favorite, our brother was mom’s favorite, and she was no one’s favorite. There were occasions when mom would tell me to be nice and that “your sister will be a part of your life long after your friends have moved on.” I regret that I never listened. I worry that I might be the worst thing that ever happened to her. This is especially bitter because when I went through a health scare, she was the only one there for me.
I regret not loving my own life as much as I should and not appreciating the many blessings within it. Everyday I struggle with being jealous of my friends’ lives because they have what I want. They’re happy and in love with great guys who would do anything for them. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for them but I just feel lost and left behind. Because of this I slowly feel myself growing apart from my friends since we are at different stages in life, and I am becoming lonely and depressed. I’m trying SO hard to be happy with my life, but it’s just so hard.