SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: August 5, 2017

Why does it still hurt? My heart has never recovered from a relationship that never even had a decent chance to begin with and yet I have never in my life felt such a loss from the past broken relationships I have actually had. I can’t take much more of this…no matter what I do to move on it doesn’t last. what do I do to get past this person!!!!!!!!!! GOD WHY!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME LET GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: August 3, 2017

I’m sorry…I’m sorry I ever laid my eyes onto you. I’m sorry I ever gave you the benefit of the doubt. I’m sorry I ever looked beyond what seemed negative in awaits the positive I believed to see in you. I’m sorry I ever opened my heart to you…all I ever do is ache in more of an empty way than I have ever felt before…right up to feeling disoriented. I have NEVER felt so incredibly stupid and worthless in all my life.
On top of having a difficult and disheartening life in general you felt the need to add to it a feeling being lost and completely alone as a soul in a foreign world. Thank you so very much for all your misleading considerate efforts to communicate the obvious intentions *GO TO HELL* when\I was nothing but kind and giving to you.
I simply cannot believe I actually fell for you

SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: August 2, 2017

To a girl called Charlotte.

Even though years have passed by I still think of the hurt I caused you, and I feel so much regret for the unnecessary pain I put you through. I know now that you have moved on with your life, as have I – but the poor decisions I made still return to me from time to time and they remind me of you and all you endured.
You deserved better, and I am so happy that you have now found the joy and happiness you always deserved.
Charlotte, you were and are a wonderful person and I hope that you know, deep down in your heart somewhere that I still think of you and wish you well. I will never forget what happened, and I will always be sorry for hurting you and the terrible mistakes I made.
I will never make the same mistake again.

SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: July 31, 2017

I regret not being able to kick my addiction sooner, costing me the healthiest/longest-lasting relationship I’ve been in in my adult life with an amazing girl and the first gf I’ve lived with. I took money from her from time to time, and paid it back, but eventually she stayed at a hotel overnight and warned me that if I did it again, she would leave. She was always so loyal and level-headed that maybe I thought things wouldn’t actually be over for good. I caved, and took a twenty, and then quit my addiction that day. I lied about it when confronted, but the next night when she pressed the issue I confessed, and told her I would not blame her if she broke up with me. She held me tight that night in bed, but when I woke up the next morning she was gone, and only came back over the next several days to move her stuff out. It’s now been a month and a half, and she won’t speak to me. From May to June 1st, I pestered her constantly, begging for her attention and just wreaking of desperation. I told her that if she came back, I would immediatley check in to a rehab facility down in Sagebrush in Virginia and I fear I’ve pushed her out of my life for good. I fear what the future holds for me if this pattern of behavior continues, and have thought about ending my life every day (I won’t though).

SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: July 30, 2017

I never wanted kids when I was a kid. Then at 20 friends of mine got pregnant. Then I suddenly wanted kids. To be in the mommy club. To build a family with close relationships and funny idiosyncrasies. But now 10 years after having two kids I regret everything.

My daughter has bipolar and my son has autism. My husband is sweet and a good father but he’s an introvert and isn’t so great at emotional support. I lost friends I had for 30 years because they think my kids don’t have any problems. I’ve always been smart and weird and esoteric and have had a hard time making friends.

I got severe post partum depression and anxiety along with some birth PTSD. I know I’m a good mom. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done right. But I’m empty and alone. I have a degree in physics and zoology. I’ve always wanted a PhD. But I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to work again, have a life. I’m a stay at home mom by design and my children’s disabilities.

I had no idea this would happen when I had kids. I imagined a household full of laughter and practical jokes and stupid things families do that only they understand. I imagined us supporting each other through hard times and discussing hopes for the future. But that’s not what happened. I lost my friends. I only have my mom and one cousin from my childhood family and one friend who lives 1000 miles away. Instead we have lots of yelling and stress and hospitals and special ed.

I wasn’t made for this. I’m not strong enough to give life to the whole family. I deeply grieve for my old life. I regret having kids and I do not love them as I should. I’m a great mom because it is my job. I fake affection sometimes and I give hugs because I know they need it. But inside pieces of me have died and are gone. I’m a different person. I don’t know who I am and only now do I realize I should not have had children. But it is too late and I am consigned to do this and be a mom, a wife. I am duty bound. I have no thought for the future and no hope.