SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: April 28, 2018

I bitterly regret agreeing to have kids. All the things I loved to do & satisfied me are over, I never have the time or money to do them anymore. My wife, who was the one who wanted kids to begin with, used to be so much fun, but after the kids she became a selfish, controlling, bad tempered, abusive alcoholic.

I work all day, then go home to cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, music lessons & so on. I never get a break. There’s no rest, no relaxation, no plans for the future. The moment I make one mistake, or try to do something for me, there’s trouble.

Last night I just lost it & gave her a stream of “Fuck you! Ungrateful bitch!” It felt good, but now I don’t want to go home, I just want to be on my own again & not live in a house that looks like a crazy hoarder lives there & constantly battle the crap that she piles up…..piles of crap that, somehow, are my fault too.

I’ve tried counseling, but it always turns into about her feelings & her “reality” & how I have to accommodate that. There’s never any mention of me, I can’t bring up finding piss & shit on the floor when she’s been so fucked up she didn’t make it to the toilet. I can’t bring up her violence & verbal abuse. I can’t talk about what I want out of life.

I’m so fucking done. She used to be so much fun, I felt I could share my deepest thoughts with her. But now anything I say gets filed away in her brain, ready to he turned around, mutated & hurled at me in spite when she gets angry (happens a lot). So now I don’t say a thing.

 

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