I never wanted kids when I was a kid. Then at 20 friends of mine got pregnant. Then I suddenly wanted kids. To be in the mommy club. To build a family with close relationships and funny idiosyncrasies. But now 10 years after having two kids I regret everything.

My daughter has bipolar and my son has autism. My husband is sweet and a good father but he’s an introvert and isn’t so great at emotional support. I lost friends I had for 30 years because they think my kids don’t have any problems. I’ve always been smart and weird and esoteric and have had a hard time making friends.

I got severe post partum depression and anxiety along with some birth PTSD. I know I’m a good mom. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done right. But I’m empty and alone. I have a degree in physics and zoology. I’ve always wanted a PhD. But I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to work again, have a life. I’m a stay at home mom by design and my children’s disabilities.

I had no idea this would happen when I had kids. I imagined a household full of laughter and practical jokes and stupid things families do that only they understand. I imagined us supporting each other through hard times and discussing hopes for the future. But that’s not what happened. I lost my friends. I only have my mom and one cousin from my childhood family and one friend who lives 1000 miles away. Instead we have lots of yelling and stress and hospitals and special ed.

I wasn’t made for this. I’m not strong enough to give life to the whole family. I deeply grieve for my old life. I regret having kids and I do not love them as I should. I’m a great mom because it is my job. I fake affection sometimes and I give hugs because I know they need it. But inside pieces of me have died and are gone. I’m a different person. I don’t know who I am and only now do I realize I should not have had children. But it is too late and I am consigned to do this and be a mom, a wife. I am duty bound. I have no thought for the future and no hope.


3 thoughts on “SECRET REGRET OF THE DAY: July 30, 2017

  1. I also have a son with bipolar and another who was on the autism spectrum (he’s considered resolved as an adult). It was very hard to parent them and be spilling over with endless love everyday. Sometimes I felt that I hated them. I certainly love them differently than I do my typically developing children. Parenting is about giving much more than you feel capable of and much more than you want to sometimes. Parenting children with special needs is about giving even more than that. It’s also about getting as much help as you can. Can their schools suggest a parents’ support group? Can you get spiritual guidance? Can you get respite care for the occasional weekend getaway with your husband? You don’t have to feel so alone. There are many of us who’ve been down this road…


  2. Grow the f …. up ! Deal with it. This is your life so quit whining! This letter was pathetic and I feel very sorry for your children. Grow up and if you don’t like something ….. change it, fix it, work on it.!!!


  3. Consider seeing a therapist to help develop stronger coping skills and dealing with sadness and depression. Life seldom works out the way we want it too. Sometimes I think that TV sit-coms and movies give us an unrealistic impression of what like *should* be like.

    Give yourself a pat on the back for doing such a good job of caring for your children who depend upon you for their lives and their care. You are already doing a good job and you should be commended for doing a good job so far. Life is not perfect, but its all up to us on how we handle it and how we treat others is part of all of it.

    Some people say that kids with illnesses and disabilities are sent to us as angels in disguise. Hang in there and don’t be too hard on yourself . You are doing a fine job with your children.


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