I never wanted kids when I was a kid. Then at 20 friends of mine got pregnant. Then I suddenly wanted kids. To be in the mommy club. To build a family with close relationships and funny idiosyncrasies. But now 10 years after having two kids I regret everything.
My daughter has bipolar and my son has autism. My husband is sweet and a good father but he’s an introvert and isn’t so great at emotional support. I lost friends I had for 30 years because they think my kids don’t have any problems. I’ve always been smart and weird and esoteric and have had a hard time making friends.
I got severe post partum depression and anxiety along with some birth PTSD. I know I’m a good mom. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done right. But I’m empty and alone. I have a degree in physics and zoology. I’ve always wanted a PhD. But I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to work again, have a life. I’m a stay at home mom by design and my children’s disabilities.
I had no idea this would happen when I had kids. I imagined a household full of laughter and practical jokes and stupid things families do that only they understand. I imagined us supporting each other through hard times and discussing hopes for the future. But that’s not what happened. I lost my friends. I only have my mom and one cousin from my childhood family and one friend who lives 1000 miles away. Instead we have lots of yelling and stress and hospitals and special ed.
I wasn’t made for this. I’m not strong enough to give life to the whole family. I deeply grieve for my old life. I regret having kids and I do not love them as I should. I’m a great mom because it is my job. I fake affection sometimes and I give hugs because I know they need it. But inside pieces of me have died and are gone. I’m a different person. I don’t know who I am and only now do I realize I should not have had children. But it is too late and I am consigned to do this and be a mom, a wife. I am duty bound. I have no thought for the future and no hope.