You were my dream guy. The one that’s only supposed to exist in fairytales.
But I didn’t feel I deserved you. How could someone as perfect as you ever be interested in someone like me. And when you showed me any sign that you were I pulled away. I was terrified and I honestly can’t even put into words why that was exactly. I just kept doubting it. And even when people around us would point it out I dismissed it. I guess I just couldn’t believe anything so perfect would ever come my way. Many times I tried. I had the discussion in my head over and over. I was just too afraid of losing you all together. I told myself I’d rather have us as we were than not have us at all. I told myself that even if it went well and made me the absolute happiest person in the world the chance of that conversation going bad wouldn’t be worth the risk. I didn’t want to lose you all because I had to go and make it complicated. I told myself I was just as happy having us as we were for now and that one day I would get the nerve to say the words outloud to you.
And then a year into it I lost you forever anyways. Not because of something I said. But because I handed you the keys to my car because you wanted to drive us around aimlessly talking and listening to music like we always did and you swerved into the other lane and hit an oncoming car head on and died.
I wish more than anything that I knew that my “one day” would never come. I wish all those conversations you started I hadn’t quickly put an end to. I wish I didn’t immediately panic when you started to hypothetically ask what would happen if this became more than the occasional random kiss or hookup. I wish I hadn’t made an excuse to leave before you even got to finish your sentence.
On the ride in the ambulance I guess deep down I knew you were gone but I wouldn’t let myself believe it until the police told me in the hospital. And I instantly regreted not kissing you one last time and telling you how much you meant to me, how much “we” meant to me before they pulled me away from you.
I regret letting myself get so caught up in the “What if’s” from not telling you how I felt and the overall depression from you being taken I ended up not only losing you but I lost myself. I felt cheated. The world and everything in it became less colorful, the pure happiness I once felt from being with you and all the memories we made I would never experience again.
I regret that the only thing that came close to filling the void you left inside of me was drugs. When I would start to feel the tightness in my chest from missing you or the burning in my stomach from from missing my chances to tell you I would reach for my only comfort. And before I knew it you wern’t the only thing I was trying to block out. I no longer wanted to feel anything.
I regret that it took me 6 years and getting arrested for the first time in my life to realize I dealt with this all wrong. I knew the person I had become wasn’t anyone you would ever want to be around, and even thou I had doubts before I knew for a fact that this new person wasn’t at all deserving of someone like you. And ironically that just made me want to use more.
And most of all I regret getting out of jail and rehab only to return to my comfort zone. For some reason I feel like I can’t handle life without it. After all it was the only thing there for me after you went away that made me feel somewhat whole again.
So now I sit again with this weight on my chest because I know that I no longer have a choice. If I want to stay out of jail I have to quit for good. I know that for the first time I’ll have to really deal with the loss of you sober and that scares me more than anything.
From the age of 19 to 26 I never really learned coping skills of any kind. While I was trying to push thoughts of you out I learned that any problem big or small could be resolved by numbing them with the drug.
So now I have to start all over and when I’m a little further down this hard road I hope that I will make you proud. And even thou I’ll never get to tell you everything and I’ll never really know how you truly felt what I do know for sure is that the one thing that started all of this. The one thing I was so afraid to lose, our bond that was like no other. I know I’ll have that forever now because you’re always with me and weather you know it or not I’ll always love you.